Heart Vulnerability

This post is difficult to write, not because of the words but because it is the most vulnerable post I have ever written, making it very hard for me. I believe as a follower of Jesus Christ I am called to be genuine and share what Christ is doing in my life and the seasons and molding He is doing in my hearts. That is why I have decided to write this.

As one of my friends reminded me the other day, there are many seasons in life, they are called seasons cause they change. The season of life I am is wedding season. Its seems like everyone is either getting married, married, engaged or about to be any day. For years I have said that I LOVE being single, and I really do enjoy this season of life, but that doesn't mean that I can't hope, pray and long for the marriage season of life. As the Lord showed me the other day, I can be content in Him, yet still feel a longing for a husband. The Lord has had to soften my heart to show me that its not wrong to feel real hurts and feelings. Sometimes it takes moments like that where our hardened shell is broken & humbled so that God can speak to our wounds.

The other night, after returning from a ministry meeting I arrived home and no one was there. I sat down and it hit me that my little brother was on his honeymoon, my other brother hanging out with his wife, my other brother hanging out with his serious girlfriend, and my parents were off together, just to name a few of my close friends. I thought, well I guess I will take this loneliness and just take the quiet evening to pray and read scripture. As I sat by the lake tears began to pour out from the deepest part of my heart, displaying something I didn't know existed. I was longing and desiring a companion like I have never before. I was pouring out my prayers before the Lord, feeling broken before Him, asking Him to be that in my life. When I was reminded its not unbiblical to desire a husband. In fact God created marriage and its a very biblical thing to desire and pray for. After being out there for a while my parents got home, as I was journaling I heard someone come up. It was my precious Papa, he was coming to sit and talk with me and asked if he could take me out on a boat ride. So we went on a boat ride on our lake and he let me talk, cry and was so compassionate and kind. Then he talked and prayed with me. My dad specifically prayed for my future husband and me in an incredible way. This was such a precious memorable time for me, as the man in my life poured into my heart and encouraged me in the Lord. I am so thankful for such a godly Father. I walked away from that time humbled beyond belief, because I was reminded of my prideful attitude of "I don't need a guy or want one" and how the Lord had shown me that in my vulnerability with Him, that the Lord has me in this season of growing and growing hurts sometimes. It was a healthy and wonderful time feeling something real and working through it with the Lord.

I wrote this not to make me sound like a girl who is dying to get married, because that is not what I am, I am very content on waiting on the Lord; But to encourage all of the other single ladies out there that feel the same way I do sometimes and feel like it is an ungodly way to feel. Sometimes our christianity makes it out like if you aren't completely satisfied, content, and not longing for a husband than you are not walking close with the Lord. I DO NOT believe this is true at all, in fact I think its a healthy stage of life to work through these hurts with the Lord, it doesn't make them totally go away but you grow in great ways through them. You can have an intimate walk with Jesus, being content in singleness yet desire and hope for marriage. That is completely normal and healthy. Just wanted to encourage some incredible single ladies I know that are in a season of waiting on the Lord. Keep seeking HIm, being vulnerable enough so God can soften your heart and mold & make you more like His Son.

Psalm 10:17
LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble;
You will prepare their heart;
You will cause Your ear to hear,

Psalm 5:3
In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait in expectation.

Psalm 33:20
We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help
and our shield.

Psalm 130:5
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.